Eyes Wide Open

How often in life do we miss the little things because we are to busy with "life"? We miss the simple things and are completely unaware of what is going on around us because we don't want to be bothered or distracted from our hectic self induced stress and anxiety. We rush from here to there trying to act out our little plays and plans with no real goal other then to keep up appearances or to keep up with the Jones‘s, Well people the Jones’s cant even keep up with the Jones’s. Why do we as a society put such an emphasis on the material and we end up neglecting what is most important our spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings, and this requires a certain level of awareness. We also often to refuse to admit that our actions are often the cause for our current circumstances. It's not because I made all the right choice that I am now living in a halfway house. In my life I have made some very poor decisions, what is different is that I own those decisions and am now trying to change my life. One of the ways I am doing this is by trying to increase my level or awareness. This is not an easy thing either, I often want to run my life on autopilot and I stress myself out for no reason other then I love the drama. I saw a great photo the other day that says "All the worlds a stage but you flunked acting." Its so true I want to run the show while playing all the parts and in so doing I am completely unaware of what is actually happening in my life. Recently I had to cut someone out of my life because I was aware of what was actually happening and that was incredibly uncomfortable for me to do but I have started to value my life. This weekend I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand her. I had to surrender all of it. I worked this step on Sunday but on Saturday night in talking with my sponsor I found out he didn't really think I was ready to surrender all of it and I wasn't sure myself. I was afraid to turn over all relationships, romantic, family, friend any relationship. I had a fear that I would not be provided for. So after I left my sponsor I sat down at my desk and started processing some photos I had taken and I realized how aware I really was of what my fears were and hang-ups were and I stopped working on photos and I prayed. I sat here at the computer listening to music praying, cussing out Goddess and my sponsor, I just laid it all out that this is where I am and I need you to meet me here please. It was so uncomfortable and frightening but I knew if I didn't do this I was going to get stuck and my life would not move forward. I had become aware and that I believe made me willing to take this step. Had I not been aware of what I was feeling this would had never happened. So there is a spiritual awareness we all need to have. I know I have a Higher Power who loves me no matter what and will provide everything I need as long as I do the next right thing. How do I know what the next right thing is, I pray for awareness. Having recently taken up photography I am becoming more and more aware of what is around me. I see things around me I would have totally missed them before. I am grateful for my friend encouraging me to try photography because I now have something I am completely passionate about. I have taken some amazing photos and some of them I saw and took just one shot and walked on and on my way back by said to myself I will take some more photos of that and when I get to where the photo was taken what I shot is gone. The amazing thing is those photos actually turn out to be some of the best photos I have taken. I have one photo called drip drop of rain dripping off and overhang and I stood there for ten minutes trying to get the shot but before that I had to notice the droplets. If you want to be aware you must first surrender completely to something greater then you. I have a friend who once told me the door knob is more powerful then me because its my way of opening the door without I never would get out. So I now will continue to surrender daily because when I do my eyes are wide open. Now I know because in the past I surrendered not as fully as now I will add, I would give things to a higher power then take them back then give them away. The only thing I can do is to stay aware. Yes I would love to keep up with the Jones and have all this stuff, you know what I've had the stuff and it was empty. I was 128lbs had the hot partner who was well off, the house with the pool, never paid for a drink, had closets full of clothes often got what I wanted for free with just a little flirtation. All I can say is god that was such an empty life. I had smile on my face made sure I looked as close to perfect as I could often starving myself to stay thin I would go days without eating just to make sure I could keep what i felt I worked so hard for. Did I love my partner undoubtedly yes he was my first love, I didn't know his financial status until well in our relationship. Did he spoil me yes and no. I did have to work but the majority of the money I made was spent on clothes and what I wanted like I said I was shallow. Would I love to have the body I had then hell yes is it realistic. I have become aware its not the packaging that matters but what is on the inside. So I take time to build up my spirit, mind, heart, soul and attitude, so that someday I can again enter into a partnership and truly have something contribute. Just remember no matter what you want to accomplish the first step is awareness. I recommend a gratitude list every night, cherish what you have and stop trying to acquire things to make you happy they never will. Just for today see something around you that you've missed every other day