Glamazon

"She's like a female phenomenon. She's a Glamazon. Nobody do it like her." these are all lyrics from RuPauls song Glamazon they ring true to me today. I used to be a person with so little drive and passion. At one point I was a vocal/piano performance major in college and at some point it became to much like work and I no longer had the drive to do it. That is a pattern in my life if becomes hard work to accomplish something I just stop. Well I cannot tell you when but recently that has changed. I have a drive and zeal for life. Right now my greatest passion is my photography. I have a goal now of having my own show and I know it is going to take a great deal of hard work to get to my destination. I have learned that there are certain things in my life I was tolerate and accept and things that I just will not allow to continue. I know that I live for the arts, the creative things in life. If something is blocking my creativity I must pause and figure out is this something I need in my life or not and if so what do I need to do so it does not disrupt my life. I have several role models in my life some for certain parts of my life. One of my role models is Bethenny Frankel she is very driven and she is a self made woman and it goes to show me that as long as you don't give up you can achieve anything. Another one of my role models is my Sponsor, he is was of the most amazing men I know. He shows me how to love myself and others everyday. He is one of the miost genuine people I know. There are times like earlier today where asks me "Why are you telling me this?" today it was because I had to get the crazy thinking patterns out of my mind. I knew that I really wanted to do what I was telling him, I wanted to call the guy but I knew that is not healthy. It's not so much the guy is unhealthy well thats another story its that what do I possibly have to offer in a relationship. While I believe is that I do have a great deal to offer I am still learning how to do just that. So I have started to go on dates I try not to have expectations going into them, a lot of the time I look at them simply as practice if nothing else. Now I have met one man who has kept my attention and I think and believe I would like to see something come of it. I am not sure if that is what he wants or not but too keep myself from getting to attached I am avoiding letting the relationship get too physical, kissing is fine touching is ok but I know I cannot let it go to far lest I get too attached too quickly. I want love so badly that I will often overlook huge faults in a person so I can get what I want and now I am trying to be much more aware of my actions. I remember about a week ago sitting with a very good friend at the beach trying to tell him what he needed to do to spice up his sex life with his partner. I was telling him to put on certain song on repeat lay down on his kitchen floor and writh around as sexually and sensually as possbile. I told him to put together a playlist and dance for his partner. I had recently written a piece of erotica and I said "Your assignment is to act that out." like I am Dr. Ruth or something. I don't know whats appropriate for his relationship. Just because those tricks have worked well for me does not mean they will work for someone else. Just because I am a very sexual person highly in touch with that part of my being does not mean someone else will be as comfortable with it as myself. What I am saying is I know what works for me and what doesn't. I do not think I will ever be that reserved person standing in the corner waiting to be approached, honestly I've tried it recently and have had zero success. I am very outgoing and lord knows I know how to get attention. I am a very outgoing person and most often I will persue someone but once I have your attention I let you take the lead and I become somewhat shy. I will pursue you to so you notice that hey I exist and you should really take a look and once I know you're looking and I know that your hooked I back down just enough so that you're in charge of the situation, after all I am a lady. So I guess what I am seeing today is I am driven in all areas of my life even when it comes to my romantic relationships I am driven. Being driven is not a bad thing at all its a good thing. What I must now learn is how to use this drive properly and not use it to manipulate and arrange all the actors on the stage to get what I think I want. So I will continue to look to my role models first and foremost my sponsor without who I would not be where I am today, and secondly Bethenny Frankel for showing me you really can have it all.