Every Breath I Take

What a freeing new day!!! So I went to an interview today for Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, it went really well I think. It's for a location inside of a mall so the hours a great nothing super early or way late and its only about an hour or so on the bus. I remember not too long ago, maybe even a week ago when I had this negative outlook on everything I did and then my amazing sponsor helped me shift my perspective and I have to say life is a lot better from this vantage point.

I can honestly say that today I am proud of myself. I took direction about my apparel (I was wearing all black and had on a pink tie which changed to a classic blue and black stripped tie) as one of the staff members said "Sugar I know you love being you, but lets get the job first" I hated hearing that but I listened and changed the tie because that's what I do now I take direction. I asked for help in picking the new tie because I just was unsure which one would be best because for me I love colour and I just don't quite get the whole subdued respectful sober man look yet. I am still learning that look but what I realized is once I have a job and am working I will be wearing my work uniform and then outside of work I can dress however I please and can have my own style. That is all part of doing the deal, taking the steps and just doing the next indicated step. Part of being Jacob a gay sober man is learning who Jacob is. I remember I used to say I want to be super thin with platinum blonde hair, well that's changed now I am keeping my dark blonde hair and I want to start working out and building muscle because that's what I want for my life now. One of the best decisions I have made was starting to take testosterone, I was so afraid of it for so many years I was afraid it was going to turn me into this person I would hate but really I a liking the person I am becoming. Its not just the testosterone either that is making all the changes. I am doing the work, facing my fears, owning my judgements of myself and of others,  I try the new unfamiliar things. I have so many people to thank for helping me on this journey, the Van Ness Recovery House, its director and staff, my sponsor, peers and support group but most of all I have to thank my Higher Power for giving me the strength, willingness, open mindedness, honesty, and patience to do this. Because of this EVERY breath I take is one breath closer to a new life and a new freedom.

Because Life is Worth More!!!

So it has been quite some time since I have taken the time to post on here and the main reason for that is I have been in treatment for alcoholism. I have been here for almost 7 months now. Why you may ask not just go back to the rooms of A.A. well because I knew that this time I really needed something more. This program is based on the 12 steps and A.A. but I needed the intense program to get my life back on track. Life is worth so much more to me then throwing it away on drugs and alcohol. I am building a new life for myself now in Los Angeles with new friends and reconnecting with a few friends here that I met years ago. Life is meant to be full of joy, laughter, peace, compassion, feeling, and most of all we are meant to be present for life. That's what I get to do now is be present for LIFE!!!! I have some many blessings to be grateful for, my health, my sobriety, my family and friends, an amazing sponsor and support group and most of all I have a Higher Power that loves me no matter what. I could not ask for anything more.

Right now I am in the middle of job search trying to find a sober job something to just get me started on my new life here. I had one interview yesterday that went really well which lead to a second interview tomorrow at the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. I am super excited about it. I came home from my interview to be surprised by my sponsor who was celebrating his birthday that he was taking me to Disneyland for the rest of the day. It was such a gift and so much fun. I was honored to spend his birthday with him. He is such a blessing in my life, he challenges me to do the things I would normally just avoid but because of it I am seeing real growth and change in my life. All I can say is its all because Life is worth so very much more!!!

So my advice is simply this: "Be present in the here and now because this now is the most important now there is."

It ain't right!!!!

I am in so much emotional pain right now it feels like someone ripped my heart to shreds. So what changed between my last post and now? I was accussed of lieing and intentionally posting a photo that was not my own. First I was accussed by the artist of knowing that it was theirs and I still used it then they realized I wouldn't knowingly do that but they still stood by that I knew it was not a shot of my own. Truth is I believed it was my own work if I did not I would have never processed it and posted it. So being called a liar really hurts and not being heard hurts. This person during all of this tells me they can no longer fill the role they have filled in my life for the last 2+ months which hurt because and I will stand by this till my dieing breath they made up their mind that I lied and they were and as far as I know still are unwilling to believe otherwise. So all of this was happening via text message until I sent a text that to me stated my shock and the fact that I just could not believe their reaction based on what seems to be their belief. Well they called me and as we were talking they still in my opinion were not willing to hear the truth because they had made their mind up. They threw out accusations one of which was that I have a fear of succeeding. Which they bolstered with a comment along the lines of "you ask me if I think you are like Bethenny, and I have to say no your too afraid to succeed" That to me was a very low blow because they know how much I look up to her. They talked about us needing more boundries and to me it felt like I was being told I do not respect him and that I take up too much of his time. By the end of the conversation all I could say was uh huh and he said are you alright and I was honest and said "Im trying to not have an emtional breakdown on the phone and to not say something im going to regret or have to make amends for" I was reduced to tears on my front porch by someone I trust with my life and sobriety. There is this part of me who keeps say Natalia this is all your fault. Well when it comes to the photo this is what I can tell you, my eye is not trained to notice the things that were pointed out to me, once i was told what I was looking for I noticed them but until that moment I had not noticed them. I feel like this person completely reacted and because of their actions I feel like I am the bad guy when I did not knowingly do anything. When it was brought to my attention that it was a piece of their work and please take it down I did just that stopping what I was doing. The photo was taken down in less then a minute. I corrected my mistake and then proceeded to allow myself to be disrespected, if it was anyone else acting the way he acted I would have gone off on them and not let them speak to me the way he did but I coward in the corner I tried to get my point across but I was and still am stunned that he would even think these things about me. So I hung up with him and just sat outside and cried before I came in to eat because I didn't need 10 people seeing me cry. I ate dinner and then I called my old friend and former sponsor and I told them what happened and read them every text that was sent back and forth word for word so that they would know what I was talking about. They said hunny do what you have to do to get it out listen to music, journal, blog, go to a meeting, make some more calls but do not call this person until you have worked through your emotions because this is an amends you do not need to make. Its funny I have never had a time like this with this person where the feelings of hurt, anger, and resentment have not subsided quickly and right now they just seem to be burning strong. There is a lyric in a song called House is Not a Home and it says
"In these rooms we were together
But now were so far apart
We should of tried to make it better
But then you went and left and torn up my heart"

As far as I know this person does not wish to continue in the capacity that he has been in my life and right now it makes me so sad because Im not sure I would have grown this much without him. Seriously tears again???? Motherfucker!!!! I don't want to cry over this but I'm not sure he is coming back. I wish I didn't feel so attacked right now. I wish he hadn't made the comment about me not being like Bethenny because Im so hurt by that. I wasn't attacking him I was awestruck that he would have the thoughts about me he was having I had to defend myself and not once did I make a negative comment about him. I just kept saying your kidding your joking I was so amazed. I do not let people hurt me like this anymore and yet I let him hurt me. His remarks cut deep and there is a part of me that believes he intentionally choose words and comments that would hurt me. It felt like a vicious attack. I would have rather been physically assaulted then verbally. I am trying so hard not to just pick up the phone and cuss him out and make him feel how I feel but I will not do that. I now have had a trusted friend read this blog entry before posting to make sure I will not have to go back and make an amends in the future and he said I would not because it is just me stating facts and how those facts have influenced my feelings. Below you will find the full lyrics to "House is Not a Home" by Deborah Cox

I walk through these halls but nothing feels the same
Where we once made our lives, it’s now so empty
The same paint is on the walls
The same songs, I use to sing alone
We’d run through the night but now it’s so cold (so cold)

Oh, this house is not a home
Cuz love don’t live here anymore (since you been gone)
I never felt this all alone since you went away
Cuz this house is not a home (love don’t live here)
Why don’t it feel like it felt before?
I know you’re never coming back
This time is it over? (over)

I look in the mirror and you’re still standing there
It’s just an illusion of what use to be
So I lay in the bed we shared
Where we made love a million times I swear
Can’t face the truth that you moved on, you’re gone

Oh, this house is not a home
Cuz love don’t live here anymore (since you been gone)
I never felt this all alone since you went away
Cuz this house is not a home (love don’t live here no more)
Why don’t it feel like it felt before?
I know you’re never coming back
This time is it over? (over)

*Bridge*
In these rooms we were together
But now were so far apart
We should of tried to make it better
But then you went and left and torn up my heart
When you left
No no no
(Love don’t live here)
(Since you been gone)
(It’s so lonely)
(When you coming home?)
(Love don’t live here)
Love don’t live here anymore
(Since you been gone)
Since you went away baby why didn’t you stay?
I’m alone now, it’s so lonely baby
Since you went away
It’s not the same
Is it over? Is it over?
Am I right? Am I right? Am I right?

Glamazon

"She's like a female phenomenon. She's a Glamazon. Nobody do it like her." these are all lyrics from RuPauls song Glamazon they ring true to me today. I used to be a person with so little drive and passion. At one point I was a vocal/piano performance major in college and at some point it became to much like work and I no longer had the drive to do it. That is a pattern in my life if becomes hard work to accomplish something I just stop. Well I cannot tell you when but recently that has changed. I have a drive and zeal for life. Right now my greatest passion is my photography. I have a goal now of having my own show and I know it is going to take a great deal of hard work to get to my destination. I have learned that there are certain things in my life I was tolerate and accept and things that I just will not allow to continue. I know that I live for the arts, the creative things in life. If something is blocking my creativity I must pause and figure out is this something I need in my life or not and if so what do I need to do so it does not disrupt my life. I have several role models in my life some for certain parts of my life. One of my role models is Bethenny Frankel she is very driven and she is a self made woman and it goes to show me that as long as you don't give up you can achieve anything. Another one of my role models is my Sponsor, he is was of the most amazing men I know. He shows me how to love myself and others everyday. He is one of the miost genuine people I know. There are times like earlier today where asks me "Why are you telling me this?" today it was because I had to get the crazy thinking patterns out of my mind. I knew that I really wanted to do what I was telling him, I wanted to call the guy but I knew that is not healthy. It's not so much the guy is unhealthy well thats another story its that what do I possibly have to offer in a relationship. While I believe is that I do have a great deal to offer I am still learning how to do just that. So I have started to go on dates I try not to have expectations going into them, a lot of the time I look at them simply as practice if nothing else. Now I have met one man who has kept my attention and I think and believe I would like to see something come of it. I am not sure if that is what he wants or not but too keep myself from getting to attached I am avoiding letting the relationship get too physical, kissing is fine touching is ok but I know I cannot let it go to far lest I get too attached too quickly. I want love so badly that I will often overlook huge faults in a person so I can get what I want and now I am trying to be much more aware of my actions. I remember about a week ago sitting with a very good friend at the beach trying to tell him what he needed to do to spice up his sex life with his partner. I was telling him to put on certain song on repeat lay down on his kitchen floor and writh around as sexually and sensually as possbile. I told him to put together a playlist and dance for his partner. I had recently written a piece of erotica and I said "Your assignment is to act that out." like I am Dr. Ruth or something. I don't know whats appropriate for his relationship. Just because those tricks have worked well for me does not mean they will work for someone else. Just because I am a very sexual person highly in touch with that part of my being does not mean someone else will be as comfortable with it as myself. What I am saying is I know what works for me and what doesn't. I do not think I will ever be that reserved person standing in the corner waiting to be approached, honestly I've tried it recently and have had zero success. I am very outgoing and lord knows I know how to get attention. I am a very outgoing person and most often I will persue someone but once I have your attention I let you take the lead and I become somewhat shy. I will pursue you to so you notice that hey I exist and you should really take a look and once I know you're looking and I know that your hooked I back down just enough so that you're in charge of the situation, after all I am a lady. So I guess what I am seeing today is I am driven in all areas of my life even when it comes to my romantic relationships I am driven. Being driven is not a bad thing at all its a good thing. What I must now learn is how to use this drive properly and not use it to manipulate and arrange all the actors on the stage to get what I think I want. So I will continue to look to my role models first and foremost my sponsor without who I would not be where I am today, and secondly Bethenny Frankel for showing me you really can have it all.

Eyes Wide Open

How often in life do we miss the little things because we are to busy with "life"? We miss the simple things and are completely unaware of what is going on around us because we don't want to be bothered or distracted from our hectic self induced stress and anxiety. We rush from here to there trying to act out our little plays and plans with no real goal other then to keep up appearances or to keep up with the Jones‘s, Well people the Jones’s cant even keep up with the Jones’s. Why do we as a society put such an emphasis on the material and we end up neglecting what is most important our spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings, and this requires a certain level of awareness. We also often to refuse to admit that our actions are often the cause for our current circumstances. It's not because I made all the right choice that I am now living in a halfway house. In my life I have made some very poor decisions, what is different is that I own those decisions and am now trying to change my life. One of the ways I am doing this is by trying to increase my level or awareness. This is not an easy thing either, I often want to run my life on autopilot and I stress myself out for no reason other then I love the drama. I saw a great photo the other day that says "All the worlds a stage but you flunked acting." Its so true I want to run the show while playing all the parts and in so doing I am completely unaware of what is actually happening in my life. Recently I had to cut someone out of my life because I was aware of what was actually happening and that was incredibly uncomfortable for me to do but I have started to value my life. This weekend I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand her. I had to surrender all of it. I worked this step on Sunday but on Saturday night in talking with my sponsor I found out he didn't really think I was ready to surrender all of it and I wasn't sure myself. I was afraid to turn over all relationships, romantic, family, friend any relationship. I had a fear that I would not be provided for. So after I left my sponsor I sat down at my desk and started processing some photos I had taken and I realized how aware I really was of what my fears were and hang-ups were and I stopped working on photos and I prayed. I sat here at the computer listening to music praying, cussing out Goddess and my sponsor, I just laid it all out that this is where I am and I need you to meet me here please. It was so uncomfortable and frightening but I knew if I didn't do this I was going to get stuck and my life would not move forward. I had become aware and that I believe made me willing to take this step. Had I not been aware of what I was feeling this would had never happened. So there is a spiritual awareness we all need to have. I know I have a Higher Power who loves me no matter what and will provide everything I need as long as I do the next right thing. How do I know what the next right thing is, I pray for awareness. Having recently taken up photography I am becoming more and more aware of what is around me. I see things around me I would have totally missed them before. I am grateful for my friend encouraging me to try photography because I now have something I am completely passionate about. I have taken some amazing photos and some of them I saw and took just one shot and walked on and on my way back by said to myself I will take some more photos of that and when I get to where the photo was taken what I shot is gone. The amazing thing is those photos actually turn out to be some of the best photos I have taken. I have one photo called drip drop of rain dripping off and overhang and I stood there for ten minutes trying to get the shot but before that I had to notice the droplets. If you want to be aware you must first surrender completely to something greater then you. I have a friend who once told me the door knob is more powerful then me because its my way of opening the door without I never would get out. So I now will continue to surrender daily because when I do my eyes are wide open. Now I know because in the past I surrendered not as fully as now I will add, I would give things to a higher power then take them back then give them away. The only thing I can do is to stay aware. Yes I would love to keep up with the Jones and have all this stuff, you know what I've had the stuff and it was empty. I was 128lbs had the hot partner who was well off, the house with the pool, never paid for a drink, had closets full of clothes often got what I wanted for free with just a little flirtation. All I can say is god that was such an empty life. I had smile on my face made sure I looked as close to perfect as I could often starving myself to stay thin I would go days without eating just to make sure I could keep what i felt I worked so hard for. Did I love my partner undoubtedly yes he was my first love, I didn't know his financial status until well in our relationship. Did he spoil me yes and no. I did have to work but the majority of the money I made was spent on clothes and what I wanted like I said I was shallow. Would I love to have the body I had then hell yes is it realistic. I have become aware its not the packaging that matters but what is on the inside. So I take time to build up my spirit, mind, heart, soul and attitude, so that someday I can again enter into a partnership and truly have something contribute. Just remember no matter what you want to accomplish the first step is awareness. I recommend a gratitude list every night, cherish what you have and stop trying to acquire things to make you happy they never will. Just for today see something around you that you've missed every other day

fun song for the day

I am no angel
I like it when you do that stuff to me
I am no angel
I like it when you talk, dirty when you talk

[Dirty Talk]

Kitten Heels, Lingerie,
Pantyhose, Foreplay,
Legs up, on the bar,
In the back of your car,
Latex, champagne,
Bubble bath, whipped cream,
Cherry pop tactic,
Can you make me scream

I wanna do some dirty things to you tonight,
I wanna fight, all through the night, night...

I am no angel
I like it when you do that stuff to me
I am no angel
I like it when you talk, dirty when you talk

[Dirty Talk]

Blindfold, feather bed,
Tickle me, slippery,
G spot,nasty pose,
In a video,
Love machine, by myself,
Climax,hot wax
S&M on the floor, I like it hardcore

I wanna do some dirty things to you tonight,
I wanna fight, all through the night, night...

Wynter Gordon Dirty Talk lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/wynter-gordon-dirty-talk-lyrics.html

I am no angel
I like it when you do that stuff to me
I am no angel
I like it when you talk, dirty when you talk


I am no angel
I like it when you do that stuff to me
I am no angel
I like it when you talk, dirty when you talk

[Dirty Talk]

Can you go down,
Are you up for it, baby
Can you turn me out, are you up for it

Talk to me..talk to me..
Talk dirty to me.. talk dirty to me

Talk to me..talk to me..
Talk dirty to me.. talk dirty to me

[Dirty Talk]


I am no angel
I like it when you do that stuff to me
I am no angel
I like it when you talk, dirty when you talk


I am no angel
I like it when you do that stuff to me
I am no angel
I like it when you talk, dirty when you talk

[Dirty Talk]

No Fires

What an amazing day!!!! It all started out with an amazing meeting followed by a little creative boost shopping with my sponsor. I got some really cute stuff that inspired me to work on one of my many projects my divas cook book. I spent a little time chatting with my first partner which was really cool since I really have not spoken to him in a few years. I decided this morning what group I will be receiving my 1 year medallion. I received some amazing and fun photos which boosted my mood even more. The most exciting thing that happened today was there were no emergencies or fires to put out it was a calm day. I will admit to  being a little jealous of one of my roommates because he has a very intimate relationship intellectually with someone and I am not quite there. I know that these type of relationships don't just happen over night they take time and I know I have a relationship in my life right now that deepens almost daily. Somedays for me are better then others and some day I am all over the place unable to focus on the simplest of tasks. The most important relationship right now is the one I have with myself as well as with my Higher Power. I am learning to admit that I have needs not just wants and I am learning what it is going to take for me to feel fufilled in my life. I came to the decision that as soon as I can afford to I am going to have my name legally changed as a more permanent sign of my happiness and life. There is only so much I can do to make people see how serious I am about the changes I am.  Right now I can tell you my heart hurts because I see something I used to have and want again but it is a process I cannot rush. There is a person I used to have in my life I could turn to who would give me a false sense of intamacy but I know he is TOXIC!!! I am willing to do the work and I know I keep saying this but I am. For someone to ask me to do anything that is not in line with what I know I need to do and expect that I am going to do that because they want me to because I have done it in the past I know they are being selfish. So heres what I have done and will continue to do: I took some time to go thru my closet and look at qall the beautiful things I have, I am going to look at the beauty that surrounds me outside and if I can get to it I am going to take a nice hot bath. I wish I could get a massage and get my nails done but I know that will come in time. I just have to keep doing the leg work. I feel so powerless at the moment and I feel like I am on my knees right now just clinging to the hope that this funk will pass shortly. I still need to write a thank you card (yes I still hand write thank you cards) I enjoy trying to do the things that will put my life more in sync with my goals and visions for my life. It is the little touches that matter. It does not always have to be some huge gesture or grand entrance keeping things simple like my style its easy and not over worked. Take it nice and easy and dont put to much pressure on yourself because if you don't get it just right thats ok you can make a mistake and learn from it. So be Divine Diva's

XOXO,
Natalia