Eyes Wide Open

How often in life do we miss the little things because we are to busy with "life"? We miss the simple things and are completely unaware of what is going on around us because we don't want to be bothered or distracted from our hectic self induced stress and anxiety. We rush from here to there trying to act out our little plays and plans with no real goal other then to keep up appearances or to keep up with the Jones‘s, Well people the Jones’s cant even keep up with the Jones’s. Why do we as a society put such an emphasis on the material and we end up neglecting what is most important our spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings, and this requires a certain level of awareness. We also often to refuse to admit that our actions are often the cause for our current circumstances. It's not because I made all the right choice that I am now living in a halfway house. In my life I have made some very poor decisions, what is different is that I own those decisions and am now trying to change my life. One of the ways I am doing this is by trying to increase my level or awareness. This is not an easy thing either, I often want to run my life on autopilot and I stress myself out for no reason other then I love the drama. I saw a great photo the other day that says "All the worlds a stage but you flunked acting." Its so true I want to run the show while playing all the parts and in so doing I am completely unaware of what is actually happening in my life. Recently I had to cut someone out of my life because I was aware of what was actually happening and that was incredibly uncomfortable for me to do but I have started to value my life. This weekend I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand her. I had to surrender all of it. I worked this step on Sunday but on Saturday night in talking with my sponsor I found out he didn't really think I was ready to surrender all of it and I wasn't sure myself. I was afraid to turn over all relationships, romantic, family, friend any relationship. I had a fear that I would not be provided for. So after I left my sponsor I sat down at my desk and started processing some photos I had taken and I realized how aware I really was of what my fears were and hang-ups were and I stopped working on photos and I prayed. I sat here at the computer listening to music praying, cussing out Goddess and my sponsor, I just laid it all out that this is where I am and I need you to meet me here please. It was so uncomfortable and frightening but I knew if I didn't do this I was going to get stuck and my life would not move forward. I had become aware and that I believe made me willing to take this step. Had I not been aware of what I was feeling this would had never happened. So there is a spiritual awareness we all need to have. I know I have a Higher Power who loves me no matter what and will provide everything I need as long as I do the next right thing. How do I know what the next right thing is, I pray for awareness. Having recently taken up photography I am becoming more and more aware of what is around me. I see things around me I would have totally missed them before. I am grateful for my friend encouraging me to try photography because I now have something I am completely passionate about. I have taken some amazing photos and some of them I saw and took just one shot and walked on and on my way back by said to myself I will take some more photos of that and when I get to where the photo was taken what I shot is gone. The amazing thing is those photos actually turn out to be some of the best photos I have taken. I have one photo called drip drop of rain dripping off and overhang and I stood there for ten minutes trying to get the shot but before that I had to notice the droplets. If you want to be aware you must first surrender completely to something greater then you. I have a friend who once told me the door knob is more powerful then me because its my way of opening the door without I never would get out. So I now will continue to surrender daily because when I do my eyes are wide open. Now I know because in the past I surrendered not as fully as now I will add, I would give things to a higher power then take them back then give them away. The only thing I can do is to stay aware. Yes I would love to keep up with the Jones and have all this stuff, you know what I've had the stuff and it was empty. I was 128lbs had the hot partner who was well off, the house with the pool, never paid for a drink, had closets full of clothes often got what I wanted for free with just a little flirtation. All I can say is god that was such an empty life. I had smile on my face made sure I looked as close to perfect as I could often starving myself to stay thin I would go days without eating just to make sure I could keep what i felt I worked so hard for. Did I love my partner undoubtedly yes he was my first love, I didn't know his financial status until well in our relationship. Did he spoil me yes and no. I did have to work but the majority of the money I made was spent on clothes and what I wanted like I said I was shallow. Would I love to have the body I had then hell yes is it realistic. I have become aware its not the packaging that matters but what is on the inside. So I take time to build up my spirit, mind, heart, soul and attitude, so that someday I can again enter into a partnership and truly have something contribute. Just remember no matter what you want to accomplish the first step is awareness. I recommend a gratitude list every night, cherish what you have and stop trying to acquire things to make you happy they never will. Just for today see something around you that you've missed every other day

fun song for the day

I am no angel
I like it when you do that stuff to me
I am no angel
I like it when you talk, dirty when you talk

[Dirty Talk]

Kitten Heels, Lingerie,
Pantyhose, Foreplay,
Legs up, on the bar,
In the back of your car,
Latex, champagne,
Bubble bath, whipped cream,
Cherry pop tactic,
Can you make me scream

I wanna do some dirty things to you tonight,
I wanna fight, all through the night, night...

I am no angel
I like it when you do that stuff to me
I am no angel
I like it when you talk, dirty when you talk

[Dirty Talk]

Blindfold, feather bed,
Tickle me, slippery,
G spot,nasty pose,
In a video,
Love machine, by myself,
Climax,hot wax
S&M on the floor, I like it hardcore

I wanna do some dirty things to you tonight,
I wanna fight, all through the night, night...

Wynter Gordon Dirty Talk lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/wynter-gordon-dirty-talk-lyrics.html

I am no angel
I like it when you do that stuff to me
I am no angel
I like it when you talk, dirty when you talk


I am no angel
I like it when you do that stuff to me
I am no angel
I like it when you talk, dirty when you talk

[Dirty Talk]

Can you go down,
Are you up for it, baby
Can you turn me out, are you up for it

Talk to me..talk to me..
Talk dirty to me.. talk dirty to me

Talk to me..talk to me..
Talk dirty to me.. talk dirty to me

[Dirty Talk]


I am no angel
I like it when you do that stuff to me
I am no angel
I like it when you talk, dirty when you talk


I am no angel
I like it when you do that stuff to me
I am no angel
I like it when you talk, dirty when you talk

[Dirty Talk]

No Fires

What an amazing day!!!! It all started out with an amazing meeting followed by a little creative boost shopping with my sponsor. I got some really cute stuff that inspired me to work on one of my many projects my divas cook book. I spent a little time chatting with my first partner which was really cool since I really have not spoken to him in a few years. I decided this morning what group I will be receiving my 1 year medallion. I received some amazing and fun photos which boosted my mood even more. The most exciting thing that happened today was there were no emergencies or fires to put out it was a calm day. I will admit to  being a little jealous of one of my roommates because he has a very intimate relationship intellectually with someone and I am not quite there. I know that these type of relationships don't just happen over night they take time and I know I have a relationship in my life right now that deepens almost daily. Somedays for me are better then others and some day I am all over the place unable to focus on the simplest of tasks. The most important relationship right now is the one I have with myself as well as with my Higher Power. I am learning to admit that I have needs not just wants and I am learning what it is going to take for me to feel fufilled in my life. I came to the decision that as soon as I can afford to I am going to have my name legally changed as a more permanent sign of my happiness and life. There is only so much I can do to make people see how serious I am about the changes I am.  Right now I can tell you my heart hurts because I see something I used to have and want again but it is a process I cannot rush. There is a person I used to have in my life I could turn to who would give me a false sense of intamacy but I know he is TOXIC!!! I am willing to do the work and I know I keep saying this but I am. For someone to ask me to do anything that is not in line with what I know I need to do and expect that I am going to do that because they want me to because I have done it in the past I know they are being selfish. So heres what I have done and will continue to do: I took some time to go thru my closet and look at qall the beautiful things I have, I am going to look at the beauty that surrounds me outside and if I can get to it I am going to take a nice hot bath. I wish I could get a massage and get my nails done but I know that will come in time. I just have to keep doing the leg work. I feel so powerless at the moment and I feel like I am on my knees right now just clinging to the hope that this funk will pass shortly. I still need to write a thank you card (yes I still hand write thank you cards) I enjoy trying to do the things that will put my life more in sync with my goals and visions for my life. It is the little touches that matter. It does not always have to be some huge gesture or grand entrance keeping things simple like my style its easy and not over worked. Take it nice and easy and dont put to much pressure on yourself because if you don't get it just right thats ok you can make a mistake and learn from it. So be Divine Diva's

XOXO,
Natalia

You Haven't Seen the Last of Me

Sometimes a song touches me so deeply it can literally bring me to my knees in tears and "You Haven't Seen the Last of Me" sung by Cher from the movie Burelesque is one of those ongs. I had not heard the song in about 2 weeks and having learned so much and grown so much that it struck a chord hard this evening. Truth be told this last month has been one of the hardest experiences I have been through. I came to florida feeling very broken and clinging to what little life I felt I had left in me. I have come to learn I have so much life in me that at times it overflows. My spirit deep in me is so very strong and can withstand so much. I may be rebuilding my life and it may not look like it used to. It's no longer about the glitz and glamour lets leave that for the stage. Some may even say I have been knocked down and even if I have I will get back up again. I would like to believe that I have already begun that process. I know when it comes to my sobriety I have never felt stronger and that is because I have much more willingness then I EVER had before. If my sponsor suggests I do something or gives me an assignment even tells me where he see's I might want to take a look and make some changes, I do what he says and if it works awesome and it has worked thus far honestly I have yet to have an experience where I have had to say I tried it and it didn't work. So what if I am down, I would much rather be down and rebuilding then be up and miserable. I have so much fun learning how to improve my life and staying aware of my motives and actions. I am so far from giving up. It is the hard times that teach us so much if we take the time to pay attention. I believe my Higher Power sent my Sponsor to me to give me a wake up call because she knew I was ready. I was brought all the way down to my knees even at a year sober and I was finally ready to learn what I needed to. Everyday am challenged to stay strong with my beliefs and needs no matter what I may loose. I may loose my family, some friends, my home, all my possesions thing is if I stay sober I can gain those things or better. The first thing I must do is to not put a drink or a drug into my body. It has been speculated that I won't stay around. I can see why I never have. This is my truth: you don't know me or what my intentions are, you don't know what my desires and dreams are. I know what I want for my life. Some people say that I will flip-flop back to boy again. I am here to say that I am not going to. This is it ladies and gentleman and those of you who have yet to decide. You really haven't seen the last of me. I am going to do all the footwork I have to. I will get my life back to full functioning capacity and I am well on my way. I hope these lyrics touch you as much as they touch my heart.

XOXO,
Natalia

Feeling broken
Barely holding on
But there's just something so strong
Somewhere inside me
And I am down but I'll get up again
Don't count me out just yet


I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me


They can say that
I won't stay around
But I'm gonna stand my ground
You're not gonna stop me
You don't know me
You don't know who I am
Don't count me out so fast


I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me


http://lyricsmusicvideo.blogspot.com/2010/11/cher-you-havent-seen-last-of-me-lyrics.html


There will be no fade out
This is not the end
I'm down now
But i'll be standing tall again
Times are hard but
I was built tough
I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of


I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
I am far from over
You haven't seen the last of me


No no
I'm not going nowhere
I'm staying right here
Oh no
You won't see me begging
I'm not taking my bow
Can't stop me
It's not the end
You haven't seen the last of me
Oh no
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me

The Glass May Be Broken

Earlier I had a conversation with a dear friend about my earlier post and they made a great observation. They said now that the glass is broken but now you don't have to worry if it half full, or half empty. So I have been thinkig about that since he said that. Can you imagine what our live would look like if more of us just broke the glass instead of trying to figure out its level of fullness. I live with several people and I have the opportunity to witness both sides of that coin and personally have lived on both sides of the half empty/half full coin. Now the realization I had this afternoon certainly is not the first nor will it be the last.After my conversation this afternoon I am going to strive to be more concious of my thoughts and make my decisions based not on whether or not I am in a positive or negative frame of mind but by if it is truly going to be benefitial to my life and sobriety. For years I have lived my life focused only on my little world unconcerned with how my actions affected others. I am trying to be much more aware of my actions and my needs. I don't always speak up or take action to meet my needs but sometimes I stop and say I am sorry I know I said I would however I need to get some more rest. Just about an hour ago someone criticised the meal I was making saying it was the worst meal I had made since I have been here. Before I allowed myself to get upset I paused and thought then it came to me its not that it is the worst meal I have made it is just not to his liking. If I continue to live in such a fashion that I am concerned with everything I do being to other peoples liking I'm screwed because they will never be pleased with the result and I will be miserable and I have made it a point to choose joy, love, laughter, peace, and serenity. If you give someone else the control you cannot blame that person for your unhappiness. they did not make you unhappy you did, you gave away the power.

I admit I am powerless over drugs and alcohol and that my life had become unmanagable.

I believe a power greater then myself can and has already begun to restore me to sanity

I have turned my will and my life over to the care of a higher power which I choose to call Goddess

I know that I have to take action if I want things to change

I know that my ego is just a reflection of what others think of me

I know that surrender is not always easy but is necessary

I surround myself with people that have willingness, good hearts, joy, love, laughter, and are willing to admit their faults

So what are you waiting for? Start living your life. Make a change. Dance, Sing, do what makes you happy so long as you dont hurt yourself or others.

XOXO,
Natalia

Shattered Glass

Today I had a moment of clear spiritual and mental vision. This was a lesson I was not prepaed for and it caught me off gaurd. I have been on the go since last Friday (by my choice) and I decided I needed a day off. I needeed to rest and take care of me. Anyway, I have some possesions that someone close to me has been holding since last year and this person is uncomfortable with my dressing and living full time as a woman and I fear that in order to spend time with this person I they will want me to go as a man and I decided today that I am no longer willing to play that game. I cannot play the manipulation gae anymore it puts my sobriety in jeopardy and no thing is worth loosing that. By taking this stance I stand to lose my family because I won't conform to what they believe I should be. There isn't just one person who disapproves of my transitioning and that is their problem not mine. I must live in a matter that will bolster my sobriety and help me to live a happy and fufiling life. Coming to this realization has shattered my reality like a glass breaking on the floor. This is not a bad thing as some would think this is good because it frees me from worry about the judgements I will face in my life. I am not about to say that being judged won't effect me but I would like to lessen the power it has over me. I am willing to walk away from everything to be who I am if that is what is neccessary. Do I want it to be that way? No. However if that is the way it must be so be it. I will do what I have to do to survive and live a full life. I must nurture my spirit and love myself enough to do what I need to so I will. I am fearful of what may happen but I will not let that fear rule my life



This is the approved fanlisting for the Christopher Rice book, A Density of Souls.



Fear cannot touch me...
It can only taunt me,
It cannot take me,
Just tell me where to go...
I can either follow,
Or stay in my bed...
I can hold on
To the things that I know...
The dead stay dead,
They cannot walk.
The shadows are darkness.
And darkness cannot talk.

Finding Peace and Center

I have spent many days in my life looking for the meaning in life. I look now knowing that meaning is so very perceptional. I have learned in my life through having faced my own mortality that few things are worth stressing over. If in life we can learn to accept things as they are and accept each other then we can know peace. I try to live my life with grace and dignity. Look for joy in the simple things. I just spent a few moments staring into the clear afternoon sky  just experiencing the beauty in it. None of us knows how long we have here on this planet and that should not cause fear in us but inspire us to live and love fully. I have learned these things and continue to experience them daily. No matter what pain I go through or how hard everyday life may get try just for today to love. I know that I may never meet the man of my dreams or have all of these amzing and fabulous things that I want. I know however that I have what I need and get to love those around me. I hope that when my time on this earth is done that I leave behind love and joy. So do not regret what could have been but love and enjoy what is. In doing this we can know peace. There is release in surrender, strength is developed through facing challenges, wisdom is gained by learning from our failures and trying again making the needed adjustments. If you find something in your life unacceptable to you change it. Do not complain about your circumstances change them. Never give up on what you want, because when you give up on what you want you are really giving up on yourself and there is nothing sadder. I am a people pleaser by nature and I am learning how to say I am sorry that is just something I cannot do or I am sorry I cannot take on your emotional, relationship, or self-esteem issues. I have to do this so I have enough energy to take care of myself so I can follow my passions and dreams, so I can love myself. I am not saying that you cannot lend a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on but it is not our responsibility to rescue, save, or fix anyone. Our jobs in this life is to make sure that we love, care for, and nurture our spirit. Only when we do these things for ourselves can we begin to be of service to our fellows.

XOXO,
Natalia